The dating dilemma: Diary of a single gay man in Bengaluru

In the busy streets of Bengaluru where autorickshaws whizz by like F1 cars—albeit on more challenging tracks filled with puddles and potholes—I was clutching on to dear life in one such auto, barely managing to keep myself steady, while trying to keep an eye on the Maps app on my phone. 

Suddenly, while trying to steady myself and simultaneously focus on the map as well as the road, I realised I had to turn left. The immediate left. 

In the spur of the moment, I blurted, “Anna, please swipe left.” 

To my amusement, my Freudian slip—clearly the result of having used one too many dating apps—meant I had inadvertently asked the auto driver to reject me, which could very well cost me a few stars on my customer profile on the ride-hailing app I was using, quite akin to the effect these dating apps have had on my life itself.

As a gay man living in one of the most cosmopolitan and liberal cities in India, I have been asked this question far too many times, “Why is a well-settled, 35-year-old man like you still single?” The answer is very simple: Dating apps. Far too many of them. Period.

I like dating apps. I've been on them for what seems like forever. I have matched and unmatched with a whole bunch of people, only to later match with them again on a different app. (I know it sounds embarrassing but it isn't really—I am not the only one swiping right on the same person.)

But you must be wondering, what keeps drawing me back to these dating apps? Well, beyond just the promise of your perfect match, they make you feel like a superhero. You hold so much power over people. With just one swipe, you can either accept or reject someone.

Growing up as a closeted gay man from a small city at a time I was not even aware of words like 'homosexual' or 'gay',  it has been a challenge to freely like someone. And even if you did like a man, you'd never really know how to express it as it was not how society operated then. One always knows that something is different but when ‘different’ is considered 'not normal', it is easier to just not like anyone.

Hence, 'SINGLE'. 

Today, the times have changed. Thanks to dating apps, it has become very easy for people to find someone with similar interests. To ‘match’.

When I was first introduced to dating apps, I was still discovering myself. At the time, I was following all the norms of a closeted gay man—using no real names, no identifiable pictures, and putting up an ambiguous writeup. It was exciting to read about people, look at their pictures, compare them with your 'ideal man' checklist, and then just with a flick of a finger, pass your judgement. Swipe right for yes and swipe left for no.

Trouble is, you are being subjected to that same judgement too. So to your disappointment, you mostly end up waiting on the ones you right-swiped.

For some, I am still waiting.

Beyond this minor hiccup, thanks to dating apps, I have met some amazing people over coffee, beer, dinner, and movies. While I continue to remain in touch with some. many others have either ghosted me or have been ghosted by me. 

The whole USP of these apps—of finding the 'right match for you'—keeps hooked, making you swipe right and left in pursuit of that perfect match. In fact, this curiosity and almost relentless pursuit make it even more difficult to find that one person for yourself as you're convinced there will always be a better option to swipe right to. Hence, SINGLE.

Ironically, the reason you get on these dating apps ends up becoming the reason you remain single. 'SINGLE' but not unhappy. SINGLE but not without choices. 

Just as there's a ‘Social Media Anxiety Disorder’ (SMAD), there should be something called ‘Dating App Anxiety Disorder’ (DAAD). A behavioural addiction to constantly check notifications of dating apps or keep swiping until there is no one left to swipe.

In this whole DAAD situation, you start matching with people like you are collecting coins on CRED or improving your credit score. There are so many conversations happening simultaneously that you often find yourself in some really awkward situations. 

For example, I have addressed a person by the wrong name and even worse, addressed them by their ex's name. (Disadvantage of being from a comparatively smaller community.) Hence, 'SINGLE'. 

Single, but with the freedom and choice and acceptance to be who you are and like you who like. So there's no doubt that these dating apps have helped the homosexual community. 

Just the option of 'a man looking for a man' or 'a woman looking for a woman' gives that sense of acceptance in society and the assurance of finding someone for yourself.

Ultimately, everyone wants to have that serendipitous moment of finding your soul mate accidentally or falling in love at first sight but finding a partner on your swipe right is a kind of serendipity as well. 

(This story was updated to correct a typo.)